Thursday, March 3, 2016

Editorial: If Trump Had Taken Over The Continental Congress..

  In a parallel universe, Donald Trump bought out a silicon valley operation which stumbled into a technology for time traveling.  He immediately activated the technology to transport himself to the Dutch colony on Manhattan Island, the mid 18th century.  Once established, he manipulated the system and got himself named a delegate to the little-known conference, going on in Philadelphia.
  After a little finagling, he was able to wrest control of a committee which was tasked with writing a letter.  Trump immediately rewrote the letter's opening paragraphs, (because he says he's a better negotiator).
The New and Improved Declaration of Independence: 
Words of Trump In Red 
IN CONGRESS, July 4, 1776.
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America, As eloquently detailed by the western world's greatest land developer and dealmaker, Donald J. Trump of New York.
 When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. Look, you snob lords and lazy-butt Tories... You haven't done a damn thing with the vast holdings that you grandparents left you. And little King George.. the house of commons needs to overthrow this town drunk. Nobody likes him. He lies. Believe me. This guy is a serial liar. This guy hasn't won a military battle in decades.

 We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. Everybody knows we're better than you. We won the French and Indian wars (no thanks to you for sitting on your butts and sipping tea along the Thames) Let's not pussyfoot around. You Tories are just jealous and pompous brats.  --  That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.  You thumbsuckers would be speaking French right now if it weren't for us. We're going to blockade your parasite shipping. And we're going to make you pay for the ships we build. Believe me! You're going to rue the day you ever crossed that line. You're a has-been! You're a lightweight bunch of jackasses who won't even fight anymore. you hire a bunch of foreigners from Bavaria to be your jackbooted thugs. They don't even talk right. It's like they're constantly coughing up snot when they talk.

  Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government.  You could have been a greater world power, had you included the colonies of America in your government. I have a far better vision for the empire and should be in the House of Lords! I'm very very rich and I make better deals than any of that sorry countryclub bunch of idiots. John Adams should be in the House of Commons. Sure, he doesn't come from the right bloodlines for the upper house. But he agrees with me. We're going to win! We're winners and you're losers! Even our southern cotton growers know more about growing great crops. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. He's a loser, believe me! He's going to lose because he's stupid and lazy. Believe me.

and that's just the opening section of Trump's revisions

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